2002-10-02 - 11:46 p.m.
I made a decision today while wheeling home from the Rite Aid. Once I’ve attained absolute power, SUV owners who yak on their cellphones while driving will be the first ones into the vaporization chambers.
The second? Skateboarders with cellphones.
It’s hard enough crossing the street safely when every third car is some Chatty Cathy’s Ford Bloatmobile Giganto 3000XXX whose Surround Sound system completely masks the bloodcurdling screams of the pedestrians being pulped and pureed under their extra-large steel-belted completely-useless-in-California snow tires--now every block has some little Tony Fucking Alva Wannabe with a phone grafted to his ear using the sidewalk as his own personal skatepark. I’d cut the guy some slack for being young and irresponsible--except that he obviously started down the far side of age 30 a while ago. Hey, dude? Big saggy pants look stupid on anyone, but they’re especially retarded on someone whose ass-hair is turning gray.
It’s people like this who make me think that the Segway is a terrible, terrible idea. This past week my state legislature passed a law defining Segway users as "pedestrians" and thereby making it legal for them to careen down public sidewalks at upwards of 20 mph. Great. Apparently California’s lawmakers get chauffered around 24 hours a day and are therefore unaware that most people in this state--pedestrians, motorists, skaters, bicyclists--are clueless idiots who have no sense of where they are in relation to anybody else and are too wrapped up in their klutzy navel-gazing selves to care. It truly amazes me that all the human beings didn’t die off a hundred thousand years ago because they were too busy rolling blobs of their own smegma into little cylinders between thumb and forefinger to notice the saber-toothed tiger coming up behind them.
In the future, everyone will have personal jetpacks. And reinforced-concrete umbrellas to shield us from all the falling bodies.
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