2002-10-02 - 11:46 p.m.

I made a decision today while wheeling home from the Rite Aid. Once I�ve attained absolute power, SUV owners who yak on their cellphones while driving will be the first ones into the vaporization chambers.

The second? Skateboarders with cellphones.

It�s hard enough crossing the street safely when every third car is some Chatty Cathy�s Ford Bloatmobile Giganto 3000XXX whose Surround Sound system completely masks the bloodcurdling screams of the pedestrians being pulped and pureed under their extra-large steel-belted completely-useless-in-California snow tires--now every block has some little Tony Fucking Alva Wannabe with a phone grafted to his ear using the sidewalk as his own personal skatepark. I�d cut the guy some slack for being young and irresponsible--except that he obviously started down the far side of age 30 a while ago. Hey, dude? Big saggy pants look stupid on anyone, but they�re especially retarded on someone whose ass-hair is turning gray.

It�s people like this who make me think that the Segway is a terrible, terrible idea. This past week my state legislature passed a law defining Segway users as "pedestrians" and thereby making it legal for them to careen down public sidewalks at upwards of 20 mph. Great. Apparently California�s lawmakers get chauffered around 24 hours a day and are therefore unaware that most people in this state--pedestrians, motorists, skaters, bicyclists--are clueless idiots who have no sense of where they are in relation to anybody else and are too wrapped up in their klutzy navel-gazing selves to care. It truly amazes me that all the human beings didn�t die off a hundred thousand years ago because they were too busy rolling blobs of their own smegma into little cylinders between thumb and forefinger to notice the saber-toothed tiger coming up behind them.

In the future, everyone will have personal jetpacks. And reinforced-concrete umbrellas to shield us from all the falling bodies.


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The Day Leslie Made Me Cool - 7:32 p.m. , 2006-12-14

Goodbye, Leslie - 12:02 a.m. , 2006-12-13

In Which Miguelito Discovers the Origins of His Evel Knievel Complex - 12:45 p.m. , 2003-11-17

You know that your generation is fucked when ... - 9:54 p.m. , 2002-10-15

Pedestrian rant - 11:46 p.m. , 2002-10-02