2001-03-03 - Afternoon
First off, I know approximately dick about wine. I�m a beer-and-hard-liquor man for the most part. But in my eternal quest for self-improvement I�ve resolved to develop my appreciation for fine wine. For one thing, when I become World Emperor it will help me in relating to the world�s wine-drinking peoples. Say, the French--as much as I�d enjoy simply crushing the French under my steel-toed boot, I�m figuring they might be useful to keep around, and how am I to even expect them to listen to me if I don�t know merde about their national beverage?
Second off, I only managed to get to about half of the wines featured last night. I don�t go to many tastings, and I couldn�t bear just to sip one I really liked and dump the rest--I had to finish the whole glass. And another glass. After sampling two good wines (plus one mediocre and one fuckawful) I had to reign myself in so as to remain sober enough to drive. Next time I do this, I�m taking a cab.
So, without further ado, here�s Miguelito�s Absolutely Useless Guide to Wine, Chapter 1.
BV Sonoma Chardonnay 1999
As a rule I don�t like Chardonnays--there are too many, and most of them leave this aftertaste that feels like my tongue�s been coated with oak sap. Just make me lick the inside of the barrel if you�re going to serve me something like that. This one, however, is an exception, with as much apple and citrus flavor as oak and an almost herbal aroma to it. (OK, so that last part came out of the printed guide we got at the tasting, but I did manage to pick out the apple and citrus without reading it first, so maybe I do know shit about wine after all.)
Great for: softly lit dinners-for-two with that special someone whose pants you�re hoping to get into. Goes well with: seafood, Barry White, Astroglide.
BV Coastal Merlot 1998
Like Chardonnay, Merlot is another �90s yuppie affectation I have little use for these days--but there was a time when it was the only red I could drink. One night in college I binged on some cheap burgundy and wound up covering the walls and floor of the bathroom with it, and for years afterward I couldn�t even smell red wine without my stomach going, "No, Mig, we�re not going there again." I had to recondition myself with Merlot before I could even think about Cabernet.
My problem now with Merlot is, I can�t tell one from the other. This could have been the best Merlot ever made, straight from the vineyards of Stanley Merlot or whoever it�s named after, and I wouldn�t have known it.
Great for: gripe sessions for just-laid-off dot-commers trying desperately to reassure themselves that their fab lifestyle isn�t about to evaporate. Goes well with: rumaki, Prozac.
Trimbach Pinot Blanc 1997
Dry, dry, dry, as dry as a witch�s ... you get the idea. I liked this one a lot. Sweet whites make my teeth hurt, so the dryer the better--beyond that, there was just something elegant about it. I wanted to swig it right out of the bottle, it was so fucking elegant.
Great for: snooty little gatherings where you and your bobo friends gush over Jim Jarmusch�s latest film or discuss this month�s Utne Reader. Goes well with: baked brie, pot.
Gallo Rancho Zabaco Heritage Vine Zinfandel
OK, this one was crap. The guide says it "was meticulously aged in French and American oak barrels to develop a well-balanced wine with a spicy black pepper finish." Ah, so that�s why I started sneezing the instant I raised the glass to my nose. As I said before, my taste for reds is badly underdeveloped, and maybe anything would have been a letdown after the Pinot Blanc, but still. Ew.
Great for: hazing fraternity pledges, flea-dipping the cat. Goes well with: Thunderbird, insecticide.
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