2002-04-23 - 2:23 p.m.
Found this on an autism Web site. I know I�m hardly in a position to make fun of anyone�s disability, but this reminds me so much of "What To Do on a Date" from MST3K that I can�t help adding my own commentary to it. And since, judging from these instructions, the term "autistic" could be applied to almost every man in America, I�m not really making fun of people with autism, but rather the the patriarchal, phallocentric part of the species to which I myself belong. Yeah, that�s it.
But enough PC disclaimers. Here goes.
Asking a girl on a date
Provided by: Janet Villar
Category: Social Skills
Things needed:
pen
paper
movie schedule
lube
condoms
roofies
cab fare
the number of a good bail bondsman
Step by step directions:
1) Sit down and write down the sentence. Would you like to go with me to see _______ on Friday night at ___(whatever time movie starts?)
Is anyone else getting an image of Luca Brasi at the Corleone wedding here? Or is it just me?
By asking the girl to see a specific movie on a specific night, you give her the chance to say "no" to the movie or the night. That way, if she says "no," she can do so to the movie or the night.
"If you would like to go to a movie with me tonight, press 1. If you do not want to go tonight, press 2. If you�d rather skip the movie and go straight to the sex, press the pound key."
2) Find a girl who you would like to go see a movie with.
See, this is where I start to have trouble. How many nights per week do girls wash their hair, anyway?
3) Introduce yourself (if she doesn�t already know you) and say your line, including the name of the movie and the time.
"Hi, my name is Miguelito. I own a mansion and a yacht. Would you like to see Cock-Hungry Cowgirls tonight at 7:00. No? How about tomorrow night?"
4) If she says �no�, then approach her on a different day and ask her again to see a different movie, if she says �no� to this one also, she doesn�t want to go out with you.
Two words: restraining order. Learn them, know them.
5) If she says �yes�, ask her to write down her name and address, so you know where to pick her up.
Then check your Thomas Guide to make sure the address isn�t in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The morning of the date
6) Pick out your clothes. Make sure they are clean and ironed.
Or just show up naked. That saves everyone a lot of trouble.
7) Make sure you have enough money to pay for the movie, two tickets, two small popcorns, two small cokes.
Make that two large Cokes. I once had the entire date budgeted down to the exact cent and then my date went and ordered a large Coke so I to sit through the whole movie without any liquid refreshment at all. Bitch.
8) Make sure that you have reliable transportation and gas money if you are getting someone else to drive.
Unless your mom�s driving. She won�t ask for gas money, but she will insist on making a beer-and-cigarette run and if you and your date start necking she�ll want to watch. OK, maybe your mom won�t.
9) About an hour beforehand, get ready. Use deodorant, shave, and shower, but don�t use any cologne or aftershave, some girls don�t like certain scents.
Well, tough shit. If she can�t accept me for who I am even though I smell like ass-sweat then there�s obviously no basis for a long-term relationship here.
Picking up the girl
10) Go to her house and ring the bell 3 minutes to 5 minutes before you said you would be there, but not any earlier.
Actually, just go ahead and show up the afternoon before--park across the street from her house and stare intently at everyone who goes in or out. And make a habit of driving by her place at 2 a.m. just to see if she�s home. Girls love that.
11) If she invites you in, go in and be nice to any people or animals that live there.
Except poodles. Poodles should be drop-kicked on general principle.
12) Try not to rush her if she isn�t ready, it is OK if you are a little late. It is more important that you make a good impression on her and the people that she lives with than that you be there on time.
Bring a battering ram with you, though, in case she�s locked herself in the bathroom. And a taser gun if she won�t go quietly.
13) Open her door for her to get into the car.
Then close it again right away. PSYCH!
14) Open her door again for her when you get out of the car.
What the hell do I look like, Carlton Your Fucking Doorman?
15) Pay for the tickets.
Don�t worry about how much the tickets cost. All good movie theaters have someplace close by where you can sell a pint of blood or hock your wristwatch if you need cash.
16) Ask her if she would like popcorn and a coke.
If she says no, yell at her for going off-script.
17.) Buy them.
And be sure to spend the rest of the night complaining about how expensive they are and how you hate shelling out dough on chicks who don�t put out. Girls love that.
18) Go watch movie and enjoy it, but try not to talk during the film.
Oh, come on. Tom Servo does it and he gets all the the babes he can handle.
After Film
19) Open her car door for her.
Yeah, whatever. All the girls I�ve dated have opposable thumbs and are perfectly capable of grasping a door-handle, but whatever.
20) On the way back to her house, discuss the movie, whether you liked it or not, whether she liked it or not.
Use lots of big words to make her feel small and stupid.
21) Walk her to her door at her house. Don�t try to kiss her on the first date unless she initiates it.
Copping a feel is OK, however.
22) Tell her you had a great time (whether you did or not) and that you will call her.
Uh-huh. Of course you will.
The Next Day
23.) Call her and tell her that you had a great time and ask her on a second date, using the same method that you asked her for the first.
Just don�t ask her to the exact same movie, is all.
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