2001-10-03 - 9:25 p.m.
So who the hell is responsible for telling every hippie with net access that I would have any interest whatsoever in signing a "peace petition"?
"We believe it is our duty as a civilized nation to rise above the desire for retaliation and to find a way of dealing with this tragedy that is peaceful and good. We do not ask that we ignore that this happened or that those who are responsible not be held accountable. Rather we ask that we lead the world as an example of another way, a better way for all mankind. Further violence and the deaths of more innocent people will not resolve this situation or ensure the safety of future generations. This is truly an opportunity to show the world that leadership is earned, not imposed through violence and bullying tactics. Please Mr. President, give us all hope for a future where good will truly prevail over evil, and where violence has no place. Our goal should be to build bridges of love, respect and understanding among all people. This is the only way to ensure that the tragedy of September 11th and similar tragedies around the world do not happen again."
Notice how all these peacenicky types never actually propose a way of dealing with terrorists that doesn�t involve violence? They merely say we should "find" a way. Apparently this nonviolent-way-finding entails lighting candles, singing John Lennon songs and giving Bin Laden a time-out. Oh, and sending out chain letters through the Internet. Yeah, that�ll bring ol� Osama to his knees in a New York minute for sure.
Hippies suck.
No, that�s not true. Terrorists suck. Hippies swallow.
***
"OK, then, Mig, Mr. Smarty-Pants Warmonger, what do you think we should do?"
Frankly, I haven�t the slightest fucking clue either. That�s what getting an international-relations degree does to you--it makes you realize that every solution to a geopolitical problem generates about 85 million new problems and that if anyone tells you they know exactly how to address a crisis, he or she is full of shit. If nothing else, Sept. 11 proved the absolute truth of the old saying about how opinions are like assholes.
All things considered, for a nation that just watched 7,000 of its citizens get killed horribly in real time, we�ve shown an amazing amount of restraint. So far.
My own best guess is that we�ll have to make a lot of moves on the diplomatic, economic and military fronts. First, we�ll have to isolate all the states that sponsor terrorism. Second, we�ll have to cut off bin Laden�s funding. Third, we may very well have to invade and/or bomb the crap out of someplace.
This last part doesn�t thrill me at all--it fills me with a sick dread, in fact--but if it has to happen it has to happen and there aren�t enough lentils or love beads in the world to change that. Sorry.
***
Bin Laden himself may be a fiendishly smart guy, but the more I find out about the people underneath him, the more I�m thinking that they�re ... well, not the brightest bulbs in the lamp.
An article I read the other day listed a few of the "instructions" in that copy of Terrorism for Dummies the FBI found among one of the hijacker�s belongings. To wit:
* Smile at your taxi driver.
* Crave death.
* Make sure no one is following you.
The last two are no-brainers as far as I�m concerned. But "smile at your taxi driver." Don�t most cabbies think you�re an axe-murderer if you smile at them? Maybe that�s part of the whole craving-death thing--the last time I smiled at a taxi driver the dude nearly ripped my spleen out. And this was in Canada, where everyone is nice and friendly and un-warlike except when they�re watching a hockey game. Or so I�ve been told.
Anyway, being the smartass that I am, I figure a few more rules are needed:
* To face Mecca, face away from Los Angeles.
* Don�t answer the phone with "Death to America."
* Eat your brussels sprouts. Think of all the starving children in Afghanistan.
* Don�t drink the anthrax.
* LIGHT NUCLEAR WARHEAD AND GET AWAY.
* For God�s sake, take a bath--you think those 400 virgins that are waiting for you in paradise are even gonna want to come near you smelling like that?
***
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