2001-03-26 - 03:01 p.m.
Today's Google hit: katherine harris naked. I get the dry heaves just typing that one.
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I skipped the Oscars last night. The only parts of the show that are ever worth watching are the tacky dance numbers (which, I'm told, have been axed by the producers who just don�t get their campy appeal) and the mawkish Parade of the Dead--and neither is any fun at all unless I'm with a group of people eager to amuse themselves with snarky commentary.
Plus, today's crop of actors and actresses is just so damn boring. Isn't it ironic that over the years, as the American cult of celebrity has become all-encompassing, the celebrities we worship have become complete cyphers? I'll bet that not even one nominee this year showed up piss-drunk, or refused his or her Oscar because awards shows suck, or gave a speech supporting PETA or the Taliban or the Neo-Trotskyite Lesbian Youth League or whatever. Come on, already! What are you people in Hollywood good for anyway if not manufacturing melodrama?
So, fuck the Oscars. I watched the Emergency! marathon on TVLand instead. I'd forgotten what an awesome show that was. Here I am, well into my 30s and I still want to be Roy DeSoto when I grow up.
You girly-girls who get all squishy over John Gage can have him--DeSoto is quite simply the coolest TV dude ever. While Gage is off flashing his perfect Randolph Mantooth teeth and trying to get chicks, DeSoto is saving lives and being completely modest about it--he is Competence with a capital C. So what if Fonzie can turn on a jukebox by hitting it and Macguyver can make a washing machine into an anti-aircraft gun--neither of them know CPR. (OK, I suspect Macguyver does, but he'd probably try building you a new heart first out of masking tape and pipe cleaners and you'd be dead by the time he finished it.) And while that guy on Crocodile Hunter has subdued maybe one or two more venomous snakes than DeSoto has, would you trust him to know what Ringer's Lactate is, much less what to do with it? (He'd undoubtedly think it's some disgusting Aussie mixed drink with beer and breast milk. They drink some weird shit down there, I tell you.)
So that's what I watched last night instead of trudging through three hours of dull speeches just to see a piece of crap like Gladiator walk off with Best Picture. Roy DeSoto could kick Russell Crowe�s kiwi ass any day of the week. Except that he wouldn't bother, because he's too fucking cool.
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