2001-05-13 - 10:38 p.m.
Could someone please tell me why I�m a baseball fan? It�s not like I�m expecting a championship season--the Padres last made it to the World Series in 1998 and thus aren�t due again until 2012. Hell, I�m not even expecting a .500 season. Staying out of the cellar is all I hope for from them, pretty much.
I do, however, expect to be entertained when I attend a game. And while the sight of the Padres bullpen transforming a 4-1 lead into a 10-4 loss in less than two innings might be considered a magic act by some, I am not amused.
Nor am I "entertained" by being forced to listen to Creed songs between innings. Since mentioning Creed a few entries ago I�ve been subjected to their sappy caterwauling about half a dozen times--this, after having managed to successfully avoid hearing a single note of a Creed song for months. Thank God I wasn�t standing in front of my bathroom mirror when I mentioned them--no doubt they�d have jumped out and disemboweled me.
I agree with Koogle. Creed is Evil and Must Be Destroyed.
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Speaking of bowels, all�s quiet now on the intestinal front. Relief, thy name is Imodium.
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So I�m in the checkout line at the supermarket (not the Big Gay Ralphs--the cheap-if-hippiefied organic food market) and I find myself next to a big barrel labeled "Women�s Teas." Intrigued--and knowing an opportunity to be snarky when I see it--I pick through it while I wait. There are about a dozen different varieties, all from the same company and in these foofy pastel-colored boxes, with names like "Female Toner" (I am Woman--hear me make double-sided copies), "PMS Blend" (what it�s blended with, I have no idea), and my favorite, "Woman�s Liberty."
If I were a cynical person, I�d have simply jumped to the conclusion that this is just some marketing ploy aimed both at aging feministas and stay-at-home moms who watch way too much Lifetime. But while I�m many things--a would-be World Emperor with a Napoleon complex, for starters--I�m not cynical. Really.
So maybe there�s a valid point here. And thus, in the interests of fairness, I�m proud to introduce Cock-Teas(tm), herbal teas created especially for men. Brought to you by MigCorp ("where the customer does what he�s told"):
Jockitch Jasmine--a soothing blend for when you�re all red and fungusy down there.
Pussy-Whipped Darjeeling--the relaxing alternative to happy hour at Hooters.
Latent Homosexuality Hibiscus--Do the guys in the shower room make you feel funny? This FDA-approved brew of hibiscus and saltpeter will help you unwind.
Crybaby Chamomile--Still all busted up over the end of the XFL? Well, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HAVE SOME TEA!
Look for our full-page ad in the next issue of Maxim.
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