2001-02-27 - Night
I just found out I was on the Discovery Channel the other day. My brother was watching part of some half-hour program about LPA when he caught a glimpse of me in the background of some footage of a recent convention. Damn. If word of this gets out I could be unmasked as the second gunman in the 1992 assassination attempt on Billy Barty and that could put my entire Evil Master Plan in jeopardy.
Actually, there�s all manner of stock footage of me floating around the airwaves. Most of it dates from when I was a kid, and seems to resurface whenever some news outlet or PBS station needs some cute-crippled-kid-in-�70s-clothes shots. Every so often an acquaintance will say to me, "You know, I think I saw you on TV the other night--you looked like you were about 12 years old and you were carving a jack-o-lantern with your family. Was that you?" Yes, and that was also me playing monopoly with my brothers ... or petting a goat in the zoo ... or flushing M80s down the toilets at school ...
That shit just has way too long a shelf-life. If I�m going to turn up on cruddy cable shows, why can�t it be on "American Justice" or something?
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Tonight�s entry in the "so deep in the closet he�s got coathangers growing out his ears" sweepstakes is the caller on Loveline who likes to watch his girlfriend suck off other guys and then kiss her while she�s still got their jizz in her mouth. The dude practically started shrieking, "I�m not gay! I SAID I�M NOT GAY! I JUST LIKE THE TASTE OF SEMEN!" when the other people on the show suggested that (a) this sort of behavior might be kind of kinky, but if everyone involved was a consenting adult there wasn�t anything intrinsically wrong with it, or (b) it might, however, say something about the guy�s sexual orientation and that he might want to explore the possibility. Coming (so to speak) as it did shortly after the long-awaited Willow-Tara smooch on BtVS, the whole thing just sort of struck me.
I don�t normally listen to Loveline, but Henry Rollins was on. He seems a lot happier these days, although maybe it�s just that he sounds happier on the radio--he always looks so uptight on TV or in person, as if he doesn�t dare relax for fear that his neck muscles will break loose and destroy Tokyo.
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