2002-01-24 - 2:41 p.m.
Watched Snatch on DVD last night. I�ve decided that Guy Ritchie does Tarantino films way better than Tarantino ever did. Though that�s hardly an original observation.
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It�s finally happened. I�ve fallen madly, passionately in love. With Netflix.
I�m not exaggerating. If I ever run into the founder of Netflix I swear I�ll just throw myself instantly to the ground and beg him or her to do me right there.
OK, maybe I am exaggerating. A little. So if the founder of Netflix is reading this he or she can put the phone down and cancel that restraining order. Honest.
I�ve never made a regular habit of renting movies, for the basic reason that most video stores drive me bugshit. The last time I set foot inside a Hollywood Video I was greeted by a reception line of glazed-eyed teenagers in matching outfits saying "Welcome to Hollywood" in freaky robotic tones, with smiles on their faces that I suppose were intended to mean, "We appreciate your business," but to me said something closer to, "I had a lobotomy yesterday--wanna see the scar?" The whole scene set me to twitching uncontrollably and I fled without renting anything.
My experience with indies hasn�t been much better. The selection is better and the employees aren�t retarded, at least, but most of the time they want me to leave my left kidney as a deposit and then stare down their depillated, liposuctioned snoots at me in exchange for the privilege of renting movies there. (Dear Miz Janeane Garofalo Wannabe: If you really had any talent, would you and your clove-cig-stained fingers still be sitting behind a video-store counter in San Diego? I didn�t think so.)
Don�t even get me started about Blockbuster.
Netflix is a godsend for people like me (you know, people who hate people--the luckiest people in the world). It�s all by mail, for one thing, meaning no brain-dead minimum-wagers or hipper-than-thou film students to deal with, at least not face-to-face. Plus, you can keep them as long as you want--which is good, since I�ll probably be wanting to watch Snatcha few more times until I understand what the characters are saying. (I grew up on a steady diet of Monty Python and normally I have no trouble with Brit accents, but in this case I got so distracted hacking through all that cockney that I wound up missing some of the funniest lines. Limey bastards.)
Lastly--but not leastly--Netflix rocks because I never have to pile my lazy gimp ass into my van just to return a movie before the store closes. For most people, running errands by car is a simple process: get in car, start car, run errand, drive home. For me, however, it goes more like: open up van, lower lift, beat on lift till it goes up again, transfer into driver�s seat, move seat into proper position, start van, close lift, run errand, reverse process, lather, rinse, repeat. Having an army of minions to do all that mundane shit for me is one of the main attractions of trying to take over the world, truth be told.
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That�s all for now. In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary ... come again.
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