2002-02-09 - 10:28 p.m.
From now on, when I think of the Olympics I�ll always see a little kid being chased across an ice rink by silver-robed Ku Klux Klansmen until Ziggy Stardust comes riding--er, skating--to his rescue.
That said, the opening ceremonies were reasonably crap-free. The Five Nations drum circles kicked major Native American booty, and having the 1980 U.S. hockey team light the torch got me right where it counts. The parade of athletes was fun, too, although it�s hard for anyone to fuck that up. (Does Tajikistan have a hockey team? �Cause I want to see them out on the ice wearing those bitchin outfits.) Those three things more than make up for Bob Costas, the Dixie Chicks, and that weird Oklahoma-meets-Soul-Train reenactment of the settling of the west.
Plus, I had some friends over to watch the ceremonies with me, and they--along with some Greek munchies and red wine--helped ease me over the rough parts. The mere sight of former IOC chair/unrepentent old fascist Juan Antonio Samaranch nodding off in the stands itself generated a whole evening�s worth of "Francisco Franco is still dead" references.
And NBC�s animatronic re-creation of Jim McKay was very convincing, although programming it so that it could have actually formed a complete sentence would have been nice.
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Memo to the President: Stop sticking your tongue out through your teeth while on national television. It makes you look like a fucking retard. I and the rest of the Free World thank you in advance.
God, what a black hole of charisma that guy is.
I want Bill Clinton back. Say what you will about him--and I could say a lot--at least he (a) wore suits that fit him, (b) didn�t always look like he needed a phone book to sit on, (c) was just the sort of garden-variety sociopath that thrives in politics rather than a sock-puppet for a bunch of even scarier sociopaths, (d) occasionally used words he�d learned after first grade.
While we�re at it, can I bring Howard Cosell back from the dead and have him back, too? I hated him during his heyday, but he could have eaten Bob Costas for breakfast and shit out diamonds.
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