2002-03-07 - 6:11 p.m.
I�ve decided I want a power wheelchair. I don�t need one, but I want one. There are a million reasons, but here are the most important:
* To freak out the cat.
* To get a little more horsepower on some of the steeper hills around town.
* Now that I have a bigger place I�ll be installing a large rotating globe in the middle of the living room--with little flags and arrows and mysterious symbols on it detailing my world-domination plans. Then, while I�m explaining my latest scheme to the captured-secret-agent-of-the-week before dropping him/her into the piranha tank downstairs, I can circle the globe slowly with a pointer in my hand striking at key geographic points for emphasis. "So you think this rash of thefts from the Hello Kitty factory are simply an amusing diversion for me, don�t you, Mr. Secret Agent Man?" WHAP! "How wrong you are!" WHAP! "You see, once I�ve captured the entire world�s supply of Hello Kitty vibrators then I�ll have an army of millions of sexually starved single women at my mercy and I�ll RULE THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHA!" WHAP! "Take him away!" The only problem with that scenario is that it�s a pain in the ass for me to gesture with a pointer and push my chair at the same time--hence the need for something motorized.
* To keep from destroying my shoulders before I turn 50. (This is an actual valid medical reason, by the way. Doctors are now telling wheelchair users that it�s not a good idea to spend your entire waking life in a manual chair because the act of pushing it eventually wears out your rotator cuffs to the point where you can�t even lift your arms anymore. The human arm wasn�t meant to perform the function of the human leg forever.)
But right now, at least, the most important reason is:
* So I can attach a trailer hitch to it and become one of those pedicab drivers who ferry drunken revelers around the Gaslamp on weekend nights. Those guys get more trim than rock stars, I swear.
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So did this week�s Buffy and Angel both suck industrial-strength donkey-dick this week, or what?
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Check out the work of this guy. I just bought a print from him that�s going up on my wall as soon as I get a frame for it. It�s the one of Herve Villechaise on the red background (just the print, not the full painting--I may be a patron of fine kitsch but I�m not made of money).
I mean, the stuff by the Andre the Giant guy is cool too but every hipster in San Diego has one of those by now. If I�m to bring them and the rest of humanity to their knees before me then, goddamn it, I have to be more cutting-edge than that.
LOVE THE MIDGET.
TRUST THE MIDGET.
THE MIDGET KNOWS YOUR NAME.
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Gotta go. Book reviews tomorrow. Stay tuned.
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